Lul 2009 Lab (School) Theatre
... Sex and Comedy [themes]
-- to work on @ G-group: playwright
SHREW monologues in acting/directing classes
British comedy tradition:
Albatross From: Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl
Salesman: (shouting) Albatross....albatross....albatross.... albatross....albatross...albatross....albatross....albatross
Man: Two good humors please.
Salesman: I haven't got any good humors, I've just got this bloody albatross....(shouts) Albatross
Man: What flavor is it?
Salesman: It's a bird mate, it's a bloody bird, it's not any bloody flavor....(shouts) Albatross
Man: It's got to be some flavor, I mean everything's got a flavor.
Salesman: All right, it's blood albatross flavor, it's bloody sea bloody bird bloody flavor.... (shouts) Albatross
Man: Do you get wafers with it?
Salesman: Course you don't get bloody wafers with it, it's a bloody albatross isn't it...(shouts) Albatross
Man: I'll have two please.
Salesman: I've only got one you cocksucker....(shouts) Albatross....albatross.... albatross....albatross
[ in class ] or commedia [Grumio] on stage
scenes: Theatre UAF :shrew questia.com
Act 1, Scene 1: Padua. A public place.
Act 1, Scene 2: Padua. Before HORTENSIO'S house.
* Act 2, Scene 1: Padua. A room in BAPTISTA'S house.
Act 3, Scene 1: Padua. BAPTISTA'S house.
Act 3, Scene 2: Padua. Before BAPTISTA'S house.
* Act 4, Scene 1: PETRUCHIO'S country house.
Act 4, Scene 2: Padua. Before BAPTISTA'S house.
Act 4, Scene 3: A room in PETRUCHIO'S house.
Act 4, Scene 4: Padua. Before BAPTISTA'S house.
* Act 4, Scene 5: A public road.
Act 5, Scene 1: Padua. Before LUCENTIO'S house.
Act 5, Scene 2: Padua. LUCENTIO'S house.
Grumio as Narrator! [*] NEW SHREW, ET [print]
I will attend her here,
And woo her with some spirit when she comes.
Say that she rail; why then I'll tell her plain
She sings as sweetly as a nightingale:
Say that she frown, I'll say she looks as clear
As morning roses newly wash'd with dew:
Say she be mute and will not speak a word;
Then I'll commend her volubility,
And say she uttereth piercing eloquence:
If she do bid me pack, I'll give her thanks,
As though she bid me stay by her a week:
If she deny to wed, I'll crave the day
When I shall ask the banns and when be married.
But here she comes; and now, Petruchio, speak.
Good morrow, Kate; for that's your name, I hear.
KATHARINA Well have you heard, but something hard of hearing: They call me Katharina that do talk of me. PETRUCHIO You lie, in faith; for you are call'd plain Kate, And bonny Kate and sometimes Kate the curst; But Kate, the prettiest Kate in Christendom Kate of Kate Hall, my super-dainty Kate, For dainties are all Kates, and therefore, Kate, Take this of me, Kate of my consolation; Hearing thy mildness praised in every town, Thy virtues spoke of, and thy beauty sounded, Yet not so deeply as to thee belongs, Myself am moved to woo thee for my wife. KATHARINA Moved! in good time: let him that moved you hither Remove you hence: I knew you at the first You were a moveable. PETRUCHIO Why, what's a moveable? KATHARINA A join'd-stool. PETRUCHIO Thou hast hit it: come, sit on me. KATHARINA Asses are made to bear, and so are you. PETRUCHIO Women are made to bear, and so are you. KATHARINA No such jade as you, if me you mean. PETRUCHIO Alas! good Kate, I will not burden thee; For, knowing thee to be but young and light-- KATHARINA Too light for such a swain as you to catch; And yet as heavy as my weight should be. PETRUCHIO Should be! should--buzz! KATHARINA Well ta'en, and like a buzzard. PETRUCHIO O slow-wing'd turtle! shall a buzzard take thee? KATHARINA Ay, for a turtle, as he takes a buzzard. PETRUCHIO Come, come, you wasp; i' faith, you are too angry. KATHARINA If I be waspish, best beware my sting. PETRUCHIO My remedy is then, to pluck it out. KATHARINA Ay, if the fool could find it where it lies, PETRUCHIO Who knows not where a wasp does wear his sting? In his tail. KATHARINA In his tongue. PETRUCHIO Whose tongue? KATHARINA Yours, if you talk of tails: and so farewell. PETRUCHIO What, with my tongue in your tail? nay, come again, Good Kate; I am a gentleman. KATHARINA That I'll try. [She strikes him] PETRUCHIO I swear I'll cuff you, if you strike again. KATHARINA So may you lose your arms: If you strike me, you are no gentleman; And if no gentleman, why then no arms. PETRUCHIO A herald, Kate? O, put me in thy books! KATHARINA What is your crest? a coxcomb? PETRUCHIO A combless cock, so Kate will be my hen. KATHARINA No cock of mine; you crow too like a craven. PETRUCHIO Nay, come, Kate, come; you must not look so sour. KATHARINA It is my fashion, when I see a crab. PETRUCHIO Why, here's no crab; and therefore look not sour. KATHARINA There is, there is. PETRUCHIO Then show it me. KATHARINA Had I a glass, I would. PETRUCHIO What, you mean my face? KATHARINA Well aim'd of such a young one. PETRUCHIO Now, by Saint George, I am too young for you. KATHARINA Yet you are wither'd. PETRUCHIO 'Tis with cares. KATHARINA I care not. PETRUCHIO Nay, hear you, Kate: in sooth you scape not so. KATHARINA I chafe you, if I tarry: let me go. PETRUCHIO No, not a whit: I find you passing gentle. 'Twas told me you were rough and coy and sullen, And now I find report a very liar; For thou are pleasant, gamesome, passing courteous, But slow in speech, yet sweet as spring-time flowers: Thou canst not frown, thou canst not look askance, Nor bite the lip, as angry wenches will, Nor hast thou pleasure to be cross in talk, But thou with mildness entertain'st thy wooers, With gentle conference, soft and affable. Why does the world report that Kate doth limp? O slanderous world! Kate like the hazel-twig Is straight and slender and as brown in hue As hazel nuts and sweeter than the kernels. O, let me see thee walk: thou dost not halt. KATHARINA Go, fool, and whom thou keep'st command. PETRUCHIO Did ever Dian so become a grove As Kate this chamber with her princely gait? O, be thou Dian, and let her be Kate; And then let Kate be chaste and Dian sportful! KATHARINA Where did you study all this goodly speech? PETRUCHIO It is extempore, from my mother-wit. KATHARINA A witty mother! witless else her son. PETRUCHIO Am I not wise? KATHARINA Yes; keep you warm. PETRUCHIO Marry, so I mean, sweet Katharina, in thy bed: And therefore, setting all this chat aside, Thus in plain terms: your father hath consented That you shall be my wife; your dowry 'greed on; And, Will you, nill you, I will marry you. Now, Kate, I am a husband for your turn; For, by this light, whereby I see thy beauty, Thy beauty, that doth make me like thee well, Thou must be married to no man but me; For I am he am born to tame you Kate, And bring you from a wild Kate to a Kate Conformable as other household Kates. Here comes your father: never make denial; I must and will have Katharina to my wife.
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2005-2006 Theatre UAF Season: Four Farces + One Funeral & Godot'06
Film-North * Anatoly Antohin
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